yea...another hour of restlessness.

This music is starting to take a toll on me. I'm trying not to get depressed about it, but I don't know if its working at all. I feel a little stiffled. My body hurts. My heart hurts. My soul hurts.

I feel so stressed. I'm trying not to feel completely overwhelmed by life but life seems to be winning. There are times that I want to scream and absolutely nothing comes out. My eyes keep crying without my permission. Sleep is such a chore.

It doesn't make me feel any better about any situation/disagreement when you conceed and cry failure. It makes me feel like I failed you, like I failed us. Atleast I don't feel like throwing myself in front of a moving vehicle.

**sidebar: I feel like ur afraid 2 invade my space. If I don't want you there I'll let you know. Take the initiative to be closer to me...touch goes a very long way in any misunderstanding...it shortens the miles between us.**

If I felt like throwing up would help to relieve this feeling of discouragement I probably would. But I'm not sure of it so I think I'll pass for now.

I wrote this...

....the day after you wrote you're very long post. I haven't finished it for one reason or another but I decided that you should atleast have what I had then. There's no point in me holding it hostage.

Its been a long time since I've written my love to you. I read your most recent post over and over and over again. The first time I read it I think I almost teared up. You were so open and honest. I felt ur heart as I read your words and that spoke volumes to me.

Blogspot has been a very safe place for us...a very special place for us. It has definitely gotten us through some of the worst times and garnished some of our great times. Blogspot was a life saver...when all I wanted to do was talk to you or read your words.

we said..

we would try to write a lot more...

and im up now at 6:00am and i dont feel well at all. i dont believe you're completely sleep, because when im not you usually arent. but anyways, i just figured out that i have so much bottled up inside me and nothing to say. thats depressing.

another late night.

but definitely not the fun kind. ugh. another basically sleepless night on hopkins. yay for an education. well at least you're almost done. almost is still a long way to go though, considering how long this semester was.

i wrote to you/my journal/note on my phone last night. it was weird that we weren't talking but idk, not speaking said a lot to me...and a part of me felt like it would be much better if i just left the subject/situation alone for the evening. it was rough for me too, but the end result was better than expected for me at least. I've debated with myself on whether or not you need to see what i wrote, to get a feel for what i was thinking and how i was feeling last night...but idk, maybe we should just let that die.

the whole thing with stacee is as simple as i made it in the car. i don't want to see her, hear about her, think about her, anything...and i've been good on that since i closed her chapter and let you handle her fallaciousness. at that point in time you and her weren't speaking because she threw a little temper tantrum or whatever and wasn't surprised but that marked the end of the stacee saga. then, i'd see her yims pop up and i'd try to ignore it but it still irritated me...not as much as it did before but enough for m have to vow to not get angry over 3rd party bullshit. i refuse to let something that's fake/faux get in the way of what we have. that does not mean that it doesnt make me uncomfortable, cautious, skeptical, irritated, aggravated and a little bit of everything else when I see it...I just have to deal because whatever communication you have with her is important enough to you.

and now for the not so fun part...

i think i have a problem. i don't feel like i measure up. i feel like i have to compare myself to people to see where i stand. i dont kno whehter or not that's a deficiency on my part or whatever, but i need to know why its so important to me to "measure up." I need to feel like i'm bringing enough to the table, like im satisfying your needs. Maybe I need reassurance that I'm the one that's doing "it" for you because no one else could. I know that emotionally I'll love you harder and stronger than anyone ever could, but I sometimes find it hard to convince myself that physically you've never been mroe satisfied. I know that the combination is very special, but for some reason the only thing that is on repeat in my head is that "santana had the best head. like, thee best head. like, he'd call me just to say that he wanted to give me head and i would be there in 10 minutes." What that translates to me is "how do I measure up? Is it that phenomenal when I put it down? how did this man please her so well that she still speaks of him with such emotion? What did he do? What could he do that I can't? Do I have that effect on her? What am I not doing?" etc. I don't believe I've gotten an answer to any of those questions and the reason is probably because I'm to ashamed/embarassed/afraid to ask. I don't want to think about him when I'm having sex with you. It makes me feel bad. I couldn't live with it anymore. I had to tell you although I doubted that you would take it well. I haven't taken it well either.

oh well.
ugh.

ugh.

we spoke and things were better after a while. i got everything out that i could think of and tried to understand everything you had to say.

then there were days in between there where i found out some more things about myself and some things that I didnt realize irked me and I didnt know if I was being fair by keeping them to myself and just hoping that they'd disappear or try to wish them away. some things are smaller than others....i try not to stress over things because they arent good for my health, but sometimes you cant control what gets under your skin.

i feel like you leaving our conversation was a little dramatic. we couldve talked about it or something. we dont always talk about whats bothering you immediately after it happens. sometimes you need time and in this instance i didnt quite know how to express myself so the closest thing to expressing myself was saying that i was fine....and that wasnt a lie. I couldnt figure out anything else about what was going on with me so, fine is all I had to work with. I feel like there are things that may be jokes to me that rub you the wrong wasy from time to time and you just try and find a way to get over it. i feel like i've done the same on many occasions but since our last extensive talk i vowed not to do that because bottling my feelings led to a lot of frustration that couldve come out in an angry way. i wasn't mad about it, i was kind of caught off guard in a way. i dont know. it wasnt extremely serious but it didnt just roll off my back either. that doesnt mean that i want you to defriend her, it also doesnt mean that i dont trust you...

think of it this way, if i was talking to you and i was like, "yea so, i was talking to this girl on dl--we've been friends for a while and i call her my wifey and she calls me her hubby...i mean, we've been callin eachother that since we started talkin...but anyways..." idk....i feel like you would say something like, "i guess..." and decide not to feel some type of way over it...whether she was happily married or not. well...i believe that's wall I have to say about that for, idk...until you have something to say about it.

i think i was a little hurt when you said that trey could sing things to you and make you do things that i couldnt. its a sidebar random comment but i might still feel some type of way about it.

...if there's anything that i've left out i'll try and remember them and let you kno...i don't wanna bottle up any feelings anymore. its just stupid. maybe i'll feel better later.

sex.love.and.music.

You said that you were put on this earth to be with me...
That means that you were born solely to conjoin with my soul and show the world what a predestined love looks like. Our love is supposed to shine for the world to see and be as intimate as our deepest secret. Our love should weather any storm and never falter. Our love has to mirror God's undying love for us and make people want to work to have what we have. Something that is true will inspire others to improve themselves; inspire them to work towards truth. And all these things must be true about our love because it was predetermined.

When we talked about this earlier I had to stop and think. I wasn't caught off guard, I think everything just "set in" for a second. We are a product of divine coupling. All of my fears, joys, struggles, accomplishments, sadness, anxiety, happiness, talent, faults, mistakes, success, tears...all of my everything was meant to be shared with you. A very specific person. The very perfect person for me. That's a very powerful thought...and an even more powerful reality.

I don't think anything in life has felt this right since I started writing my life in song. You are my [luckyse7en.] and that becomes more real everyday. My beautiful completion, my divine love, my mysterious righteousness, my stormy perfection, my indivisible love, my shared movement...my [wife.]

I love you. I love that you took my life by storm, turned my world upside down, reintroduced me to myself, made me believe in love again, stole my heart and took good care of its wants and needs...I'm glad that I have all of you. I'm glad that you have all of me. Its reassuring to know that if everything else crumbles we'll still have eachother...and that's all that matters.

143.
dame besos.
please? I says please.

-[yellowcandy.]

i says..

i love you.
the end.

while you were sleeping.

i sit...in a dark room experiencing you
the art of your smile mirrors our most perfect moment
so beautiful
it encourages my soul to walk toward the same movement that brought us together
my lips, lame,
parched without our warm, honest touch
longing to be drenched in your imagination,
in your hope.
the farthest distance nourishes the deepest love ever felt
between conjoined souls
inadequacy consumes this heart
perplexed by one heart's rhythm
echoing what your very being screams
my eyes find the sky somewhere between night's calm and morning's promise
i found you there and took notice
amidst the sea of curious blue
i fell in love
i stood in love
i lived in love
and my pen accounted for my whereabouts
the journey i took with love
lead me to the pillow where you rest your head
our foreheads met
our thoughts coupled
we found residence.

I write ur name in my notebook...

And this is how it looks...

On the way to
Love
I
Veered away from
Ignorant coupling
And found

Lyrical bliss

Closing in on [forever.]
Love proved to be more than
Amorous gazes tilting me off of my
X-axis
Turning my attention to the
Only woman who despised
Nonsense as much as I
-
Breathing life into love and attempting to
Resuscitate the belief in
One true love
We made each other complete in this
Never-ending [perfectmoment.]

jibberish.

I've been looking for the one that turns my head and makes me smile. The one who's REAL, who helps me heal, who cooks me meals and has ILL style. Some came close and didn't succeed to be exactly what I need, in life, for a wife, they were trife, gave me strife. But now and forever more I have love from my inner core that's only complete when its joined with your sweet love.

I love you. I don't mind being goofy around you. Looking silly around you. You're my counterpoint...we're the same movement.

143. Dame besos.
Te amo.
-[forever.] urs.
*singing* i love u, i do.

it started off with a kiss...

If had a lot of rough times in this short lifetime of mine....some really rough times. I know that I'm stronger than most but I'm also more fragile than I'd like to admit. You understand that and I appreciate you for that. These past few months have been "the best of times and the worst of times." I've learned a lot about myself and my heart. I'm sure of what I can and cannot deal with and what I can and cannot live without. I know for a fact that I would be a lot less happy with my life if I hadn't taken the time to get to know you. Eventhough we've been through a whole lot, I wouldn't change our story for the world...ur my [happyeverafter.] And in this life there's only space to write...no time to edit.

I don't feel alone in this journey and that's the greatest feeling of all. I feel like you're right there beside me, waiting to help me and hold me. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. My best friend, my love, my life...a reason to keep working, a reason to keep striving for my goals. I expect a lot from myself and I expect more now that I have you. I keep telling myself..."I need to be great for [her.], for our children, for our family. I need to accomplish great things. She requires more of me." That keeps me going. You should be with nothing less than greatness and everyday I strive towards that for us.

We are a partnership. We are the bond that people hope they'll find once in their lives. We are love. We are commitment. We are set aside from every frivalous connection, every meaningless act of sex...we are something great. We are something different. We live love rather than exist in love. We are a force.

Everyday I'm working towards you...I'm moving towards you...like when you dance to my music. I can't wait to see your face, to feel your touch, to kiss your lips. You know, I was talking to viv about you--not that I don't do this often but anywho--we were talking about kissing. I said, "you know, there's something about having something that's real. You can't shake the feeling. You don't want to live without the feeling. You can't live without the feeling. When I kissed before it was nothing special, prelude to sex, something to pass the time...nothing momumental. But because this is so real I can't do anything else. I couldn't want anything/anyone else. I didn't even like kissing really before [her.] And neither did she. But obviously, we've done something different for eachother. Once you feel something so genuine that it changes your life and makes you take notice, you become addicted to that feeling. I've fallen in love with intimacy...physical, mental, emotional and every other kind there is. I yearn for that everyday. And there's no one in the world who could make me feel that truth in their kiss....and this is just a kiss. Imagine everything else..."

I'm saving my all for you my lucky se7en. My [wife.] [mylife.]

Dame besos. I'll be there to get them really soon.
I love you.
-yellowcandy.

the 2nd half of forever.

for my lovely lavish.
i LOVE my wife.
i LOVE my wife.
i LOVE my wife.

just thought that I would stress that point if I haven't done that recently.

I walk around in a daze, under a peaceful haze of love for you. People can see a change, a difference in me. They see me smiling more than ever and they have to know whats going on in my life. The smile that you put on my face every morning encourages people to be nosy. lol. I don't mind getting up at anytime and talking to you, giggling with you, doing whatever with you. Because anything with you is better than I could have done by myself. You complete me.

Here's a few non-secrets::
.i think about you ALL day.
.you've made me a better person.
.you made me believe in love again.
.i lay beside a picture of you to feel closer to you.
.it makes me smile to know that you're just as mushy as i am.
.you are my [happyeverafter.].
.i read your posts and hear your voice.
.you're perfect for me.
.im excited about our real wedding.
.i couldn't have picked a better mother for my kids.
.i look forward to spending the rest of my life making you happy.
.i only see you in a crowded room.
.i only feel you when im lonely.
.you're my [wife.].
.my healthiest addiction.


i LOVE you Olivia L Claxton. I will be there waiting for you...watching you walking towards me...palms sweaty. I will be tearing up, dont judge me. I'll be waiting to promise you myself, my love, my life...and you'll never have to question love again. In this all white room, with white lights...fresh and new. Nothing will be more pure and true than that moment...another [perfect moment.]

"I, Kai Natural Brown, take you Olivia L Claxton..." your heart is [forever.] my responsibility. <<<
I'll be there...will you?
i LOVE you. [ forever. ]

finger painting...

Finger painting is my new hobby
Leaving murals of pleasure on your walls
Writing secret treasure maps that read:
longitude=long stroke's attitude,
evokes liquid gratitude
an addict clawing arms in an attic from what
two fingers do
while 8 fingers follow
beating down doors, banging on walls once hollow and empty
now colored with reds passion
my passion is art
my art is passion
I can illustrate your next move
and create your next breath
design the divine arch in your back
I will draw you in shades of purple and blue and the hues that outline the boundaries between the two
Draw you in with promises of meaningful prose before we doze off
Injecting you with doses that remind you of white roses,
so pure and soft
With gentle brush strokes on your timid torso
Leaving the last bit of myself with you
"Love lives here"
Permanently finger painted on shared canvas.

4 [forever.] lavish

I love you. I write for you. I sing for you.

It still amazes me that our love can have such an effect on me and my body. I didn't know how real love could be until I loved you. You are my one true love. My seventh, you made me complete. My lucky7.

I dream about your [belly.] almost everyday and I see our beautiful children. I can see how loving we'll be, and how our connection with eachother and love for eachother will show in everything we do...and in everything they do.

I need to come back to you. Its unreal how much I miss you, need you next to me. I can't and I won't live without you. I'll do whatever it takes to make this happen. Yes, I'm a little impatient, but who wouldn't be when they're in love with the RIGHT person for the rest of their life? Who wouldn't want to run back to the person who still gives them butterflies when you hear their voice? I look at your pictures when I'm talking to you and when I'm not. I laugh at your stupid jokes & your funny ones...lol. Bottom line, your my [wife.] and I won't be without you.

--people felt the song I wrote for you, and sang to you at my performance more than any other song I performed. They could feel my sincere emotion in every note. That made my soul smile. Because I knew that me singing that song was the purest way I could tell you that I loved you....and they knew it too. They didn't have to know who you were...they felt who you were to me...it was powerful.

"....hold me...closer than you've ever held me...I miss ur smell when we speak...and it makes me sing...O, come back to me..."

....I even caught akela singing it yesterday at the dinner table...*smirk*

I'm working as hard as I can to get back to you, get back to us, get back to our world of happiness...when we could deal with the rest of the world's craziness because we had eachother...and a moment in your presence was enough to deal with anything. I'm looking forward to getting lost in ur eyes, drowned in your smiles and giving in to every single sexual desire I have and wearing you out daily.

I love you. I miss you. Come get me?

- ur [wife.]

i want 2 tap a nap with u.

Real eyes realize real lies....

That's so real. It really hit home for me. I thought about is immediately. Because you know your eyes mirror my soul and you can see yourself in mine.

Random post, but I haven't written to you in a while.

I try and understand everyday why u love me. Why I've changed the possibility of [forever.] You made me believe in love again. I don't think I've ever told you that. Then you let me fall into open, forgiving, loving arms...and I've been smiling ever since.

::ur sleeping now and I wanna be there with u::

I love you SO much.
[damebesos.]

-[wife.]

a few not so random thoughts

*When you write to me you sound so sure of yourself.
*You speak with such authority and clarity.
*It excites me that the person that writes me and the person I talk to are becoming the same person.
*It still amazes me that you have the right answers to every question, small or big.
*this is a secret......I lay next to a picture of u on my phone to feel closer to you.....

Ok...I think I look like enough of a dork right now. I'll write again soon.

I'm still waiting for you to write to me.

It still hurts when I look for you and you're not there. There's still a huge whole in my chest. Where u used to be. You're still there....just in baltimore. I love you. I miss you. My every thought is you.

I desperately wanna relive the night that u said [ forever. ] and read it over and over. I'm waitin for that too.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since u said [ forever. ] I've had a lot of convo about it with myself...and parts of it 2 others...making sure I'm not being unfair to you...and a whole lot of other shit. Maybe I should be talking to you about this...*shrugs*

I have to see u soon. I can't live without kissing you...feeling your warmth...

I miss you.

-lonely in GA

from the most sincere place in my heart...

Let me try this again...

These are a collection of words that come from my creative mind...my heart is attached to every syllable and my love to every word.

"Sweet like sugar, with the sentimental spirit of coltrane's moods. Warm and familiar, kinda like the way chamomile soothes..."

"...I love hearing them, joking about family ties. How their children would be stubborn and wise. How they'd have oyur dimples and my eyes..."

"...but that's the beauty of all this. You'll show me how much I want this. And I'll fantasize over just one kiss that publicly solidifies you and I,and the feeling that will shoot around my things, past the back of my knees, then to my tingling toes. That's where the 'this has to be right' feeling goes to find retreat; right past the 'I don't know's' and 'I hope so's'...."

"...Eyes speak volumes, careful not to trivialize this moment with words...now intoxicated with a very certain comfort..."

"...she creates a crescendo between these thighs. I'm even in love with the sighs, the groans, the moans..."

"...i spend time alone with you...when u don't kno you're here..."

"...your soul beamstouch my outermost layer with a sensation that lingers paper thin on the tips of my fingers...tangible sunshine...crush velvet springtime glances...simple you go to my head romances..."

"...I unfold as a blossoming flower in your rain shower of perfect smiles. I can't help but want to stay just a little while longer to soak up the essence of your laughter, so I not only feel you now but long after we've parted ways...started days with my first thought being you and the laast thought clutching to the peace I have when I'm with you...and its visible. Every beat of my heart knows it and every look from my eyes show that you've done something different for me...."

I write for you all day. I write to you all day...and I know that its a bummer that we don't get to be with eacother face to face but I think that its a little charming that we have to WRITE to eachother all day. Its corny I know...but still sweet.

I love you.
I miss you.

-wifey

u make me wanna....

What makes me want to shower you with gifts? Buy you anything your heart desires? Attempt to give you everything you've ever wanted? Send white roses in a clear box to you every morning...because I know that you love them but you're allergic to them. What makes me want to collect all of the yellow candy ever made and put it in a basket with your name on it? What makes me get lost in the depth of your eyes? What is it about you that makes me want to spend everything I can maintaining your uber-fabulousity? What makes me want to be just as fabulous so I look like I belong on your arm...or atleast that we belong together?

All day I think about ways to make you smile, to make you happier than you've ever been...to make you sure everyday that your heart is safe with me. I think of creating moments of fantasy, sweeping you off your feet, letting your life become a fairy tale, then making that fairy tale a reality.

I love you more than I could ever write or say.
-[ itis. ]

u+me=peace+love=muisc

"My music bares your name....if they knew where to look, they'd find it..."

It seems like my creativity bares your name. These poems that I wrote long before you were the center of my attention, my thoughts, my world still read as if you were the subject of my creative expression. I don't know how we can have such a significant connection to a poem who's life began long before our story was ever written. It amazes me when I read them over and over and try to figure out why they speak to the life I'm creating now, with you.

".....accept the fact that you've never dealt with anyone like me. Take a heaping scoop of the love I'm willing to give you...prepared to spoil you with affection, drown you with attention, and my love won't change...."

You say that I spoil you all the time. I laugh inside and then smile. I want to spoil you and I swear that I'm not able to spoil you the way I want to spoil you. I know you don't ask for things and I try not to ask for things either. We both know why we do this but it doesn't make it right. I want you to be able to ask me for things and I want to be able to say, "Ok love, you'll have it." You know I would do anything to give you everything you want. You tell me that I do enough, I don't think I do enough. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever get to the point that I feel like I'm doing enough...but maybe one day I'll be more satisfied with the way I'm taking care of you.

Do I really spoil you with affection? I try to love you with my eyes and touch you so you don't forget what real love feels like on your skin. I have 73526718912 scillion hugs and kisses with your name on them, waiting for you to use them all. I love taking care of you. I love cooking for you. Making your life easier. Making you happy. Giving you a chance to bask in "us." But you always deserve more, so how could I possibly be spoiling you?

I wrote you a song and sang it to you while playing in your hair. I don't believe it could've been anymore perfect than that. You looked up at me so adoringly I could've cried. You were so beautiful at that very moment....and in that same moment I knew that my love for you couldn't change. I've never written a song specifically for one person. You're the chorus to the song of my life. Now how's that for "my music bares your name...if they knew where to look, they'd find it...."

143.
-[ frankenstein. ] EFFIN currency.

in desperate need of patchwork...

I am upset. Boo baltimore once again. I can't stand u broads. I miss my lotto already. I missed her 2 days before she left. I knew the whole in my chest would b gaping one and I've never felt this empty. Its amazing how much someones presence changes ur entire outlook on everything. I guess I'll understand how much I can deal with. I know I'll be fine. And I know we'll be fine. I didn't have a problem committing before. Remaining faithful is not an issue. Especially when I was giving up everything...every hoe-ish action to be with another woman that would break my heart and act like she's the one. She did so well...had me fooled for a while..but I think I've got my shit str8 now. I know now that I can't look to anyone to fix my need for stability...I must find that within myself. I have 2 make things happen for me. I also need to learn how to let lotto hold it down for me. I finally have a down a** chick and I need to let her do what she needs to do. I believe that she's extremely good for me...and I'm great for her. I still don't kno how this happened...but I'll take pure happiness. Maybe its warranted...for all the heartache and headache I've just dealt with. And my heart still hurts. Even at this very moment it hurts. But I can't let that get in the way of something so real, so right, so easy, so sensible, so us.

I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.
Ur [ mylife. ]
[ damebesos. ]

- urs.

wow. i am amazingly talented.

i can fuck up ur whole life in just one night. and here i am thinking that im trying to deal with the fact that my life is a pile of shit.

ppl are making demands of u that are unreal.

its funny. i have so much to say and then i cant say it all. because it hurts so much.

these ppl...ur family....idk....i just dont kno. i cant say anything about that/them.

let's keep em apart. thats what we'll do. well, u kno what? ur a little fucking late for that. AAAARGGH....im so fucking pissed right now. i cant even see str8.

i cant do this. i just cant. i love you. thats all.

she loves me.

I cupped my hand at u and I thought you'd never believe I was being serious. I didn't know if I was ok with that. But then I remembered thata u see me....all of me...all the time...and I can hide nothing from you so I told u. And I've felt better, a lot better since then.

I thought u would think I was crazy from what I said. I really did. I kept kickin myself in the head for explaining myself...even when I was talking. I says to myself..."this is gonna run her away...but I have 2 tell her the truth." And it didn't run u away. A part of me knew u would understand. Its just the vulnerable part that's like..."bitch, shut up!"

...and then u considered it...and I flew. I literally flew. It meant so much 2 me. I almost cried.

I love you so much. U have to kno that. I try and tell u and show u that as much as I can every day that I breathe.

U kno that I'd take care of u and the mini better than I would myself because that's just who I am. I think that's one of the reasons why u would even talk to me about this at all...but why else? Why else would u talk about it, consider it...see it played out in ur mind? Tell me...I have to kno.

....I love you.
......te amo.
........dame besos.

Uhmm so ok..ur amazing.

"Your love is crazy babe, not like you belong in an asylum, crazy babe...like the sun in the morning and the moon at night, like rain fallin from the sky, like trees growin from the ground...im astounded babe, by ur love for me..."

I love u so much...and im trying really hard to make ur birfdae the best ever but idk...I feel like I have ur heart, and how r u gonna live thru ur birfdae if im not there? Maybe im being a little selfish...but u tell me to do that...so if I am its ur fault. :P

Im fighting being upset. But u kno? Whatever. Its not about me, its about u. So wherever u want me to be I'll b...whether or not that means im uncomfortable or whatever. *sidebar thought...might b a secret but I don't think so--how r u gonna get bday ass if im not with u on ur bday? And I still want sex now...*

These past few days, though extremely tiring, have been the best few days I've had in a very long time. I hope u feel the same way. I mean, it has been riddled with bad vibes, nosy pplz and other tomfoolery but overall its been lovely.

--i still look at u and get butterflies...I wonder how u can get more beautiful each day...still haven't figured that one out yet.--

Edit....u blue baller. I knew u wasn't gonna put out...u kno what happens to girls who dont put out right? ....they don't get that fiya head! Lol. J/k...ok im done. Lol.
-my hand smells like u and that's perfectly fine.

Pls tell me that my time with u 2day won't be limited to these 14 hrs I got to spend outside the building u were in...:-( cuz that would absolutely suck...and then id have to FIND things 2 do. Things that don't involve crazy, who is stalking me btw. I really can't do this shit anymore. Honest blog. But I guess my problems, worries and woes aren't ur problems, worries and woes...:-(

I love u. I want 2 u come back. I want 2 spend some 1 on 1 time with u. See if u can make that happen...if not, I guess I'll have 2 settle for less....:-(....*and I won't stop making this face....*

-itis...the one who put [ urlife. ]

seuss love.

So I'm sittin in the bathroom all sexci like with candles and shit, 2 coronas and a clove. I miss u. I read ur away and it made my heart smile.

I promise I'll aim u all day 2morrow.

Write me?
-itis

P.s.- ur amazing. That's all.

my lavish darling...

So I love u. I love the fact that ur sane. That's great. Lol. U should keep that up. Atl isn't coming soon enough. I can't wait 4 our "first date." Lol.

I said I would write so I am...eventhough I'm talking to u.

Ur amazing.

-itis.

almost in atl...

So I'm about 2 get off work...yay. Now I have the rest of the day to do laundry and pack and dream about my fantastic adventure 2morrow. Traveling with my bh might be the most I've had n a while. Yay. I worked my ass off 2day. But not 2 much. I kept my hips just for u. *wink wink*

I can't wait omg. I really can't. I will talk 2 u cuz I wanna. U won't bother me. I enjoy talking to u. And yay for no crazy for a sec. I'm glad about that kick situation...maybe u should change ur number 2??? *shrugs* I'm getting added on to crazys family plan cuz she wants 2 pay my phone bill...lol. Ok.

And what's this u have planned missy? I'll take a surprise tho...

Oh yea...almost forgot. I got burned with 180 degree coffee on my hand and got cut with a box cutter today. Yay me. :-(

I love u. I miss u. Write me. I'll write u later.

Muah.
-itis.

morning love(r)...

So I didn't write u yesterday and I'm sorry. I mean it. I really do. Yesterday was great though because I got to see u. Omg. Wow! U really brightened my day. I went home after work and didn't do that much. Planned my trip 2morrow...yay. Sry about that bullshit ass conference btw. Eeek. I promise it'll b a little easier cuz you'll get 2 aim me all day. Lol.

I missed u this morning when I woke up. And ofcourse that was at the ass crack b4 dawn. Yea...who goes to work at 510am? I do apparently. So yea, I get off at 145. Whilinout.com. I love u. And ur a cheater.

Well I'm almost done with this ten so yea...I'll b thinking about u. I laughed when I saw u got a ticket. Lol. That shit wouldn't b funny 2 anyone else.

Until u write again....
-itis.

So....of course I'm reading ur words. Why wouldn't I? I got a little wasted last night....maybe a lot wasted. It helps me deal with a lot while I'm here. Idk what makes her think that she can check my shit and hold my phone waiting for reasons to disown me but wtf ever. I'm just like...there's only a few days left b4 I get the break of a lifetime...and when I come back I'll b focused on getting the fuck up out. That's after I come 2 ur birthday party though...

Sidebar....I'm tired of bitches talking and spying on me...callin her eveytime they see me anywhere. Its not fair and shit if I wanted 2 deal with this shit I would've stayed my ass in atlanta with those messy ass niggas I was around b4.

I aimed u and then I removed u from my buddy list. She's really killing me with this bullshit and I'm done with her harassing us. I'm done lying to her about my feelings just 2 get by. Really I am...its fucking draining. I'm a grown ass woman...and I'm not being treated like one...I feel like a fucking child.

But like I said...this will soon b over. I figured that there was gonna b more dl drama...that's why I created that other page.

Thanx for being patient my love...soon and very soon...we're going to b very happy. And if ever there's a problem or more fallacies arise n this time just write me. I'm goin gto check and write back. This is the only foolproof aspect that we have apparently...and I love it.

Dame besos. I work 2day. I'll call u so u can hear my voice. I'd love 2 hear urs right about now.

Muah.

-itis

....damnit. atl....

I need 2 b there and in a hurry.

....so my downelink has been checked and everything. Not cool.

.....she's holdin gmy fone again when she pleases.....

I'm just tryna make it up out of here with as little problems as possible.

She read ur downelink blog of in too deep. Had 2 talk about it all night and all day.

...came outside 2 go to work an dthere was a boot on the car. Had 2 pay 200 to get it off. How am I getting home from atl next monday?

This day has been a whole lot. I'll write.

I love u.

....pls bare with me for right now. I appreciate ur understanding. How ur day is goin better than mine.

-itis

...umm yea....2:41am

Feeling a little sick.
Mad about the fact that I didn't talk 2 u, but that wasn't either of our faults...faulty communication devices..
I'm gonna lay down.
Maybe u should still write me something, so I'll have something to wake up 2.
I love u.
Gnite.
Dreaming of u.


-itis.

aim lies.

I love the fact that u wrote 2 me. I've been trying to express my feelings for u in song/poem form for the past 2 hrs...

Yea so I've been trying to aim u but al I get is u signing off. So aim lies. I've been online, falling asleep waiting for u....


I love u,
-itis

....is this called missing u?

So I'm sitting here strumming away at my guitar and I cant help but hate the fact that u are who knows where an di can't ge in touch with u. Maybe ur at fur like u said u were gonna be....I hate this shit. I wanna talk 2 u and I can't. Well atleast ur having a good time right....? Missing me? I doubt it. "Dance ur pain away, i ve got problems...." I thought about goin out 2nite. Yep, I did. Oh well, that's as far as that went. Just a thought.

I love u. I want u 2 b happy, even if I'm not.

I thought u said that u'd write something real. Maybe that won't happen either....oh well.

Its not late and I don't feel like sleeping is my aspect. I don't work 2morrow. Idk what that means for u or us...

I wish I was where u are....always...that never changed....neither has my love for u. Muah. Get back 2 me soon. My heartaches when its away from u....

-itis....

Damn I hate my life right now....

a little sumthin for my lucky 7.

I didn't kno how much I missed u, missed her until I was swimming in the product of our passion. I found myself wanting to dive into u...not just my fingers, my entire body. It calls out 2 u just like ur body does 2 mine.

I miss u every minute of the day and I talk to u every minute of the day...in my mind. Lol. I'm not crazy but I am. Everything reminds me of u. Hearing songs that we kissed 2, made love 2, made jokes about...ur with me all the time. And don't get me started on mamma mia! Lol. And its funny cuz crazy said fawva(sp) yesterday and I only thought about u...and the fact that it just didn't sound right...lol.

I love u. And I think I kno that a little more everyday. I can't wait to go to atlanta so we can b free 2 b we...

I'm secretly sorry for messing up ur hair because it was beautiful...u r beautiful...u look at me and I melt. I bet it shows that I melt...lol. But I try not to show it sometimes.

I want u to climb on top of me and cheat. Lol. The end.

-itis.

a little sumthin for my lucky 7.

I didn't kno how much I missed u, missed her until I was swimming in the product of our passion. I found myself wanting to dive into u...not just my fingers, my entire body. It calls out 2 u just like ur body does 2 mine.

I miss u every minute of the day and I talk to u every minute of the day...in my mind. Lol. I'm not crazy but I am. Everything reminds me of u. Hearing songs that we kissed 2, made love 2, made jokes about...ur with me all the time. And don't get me started on mamma mia! Lol. And its funny cuz crazy said fawva(sp) yesterday and I only thought about u...and the fact that it just didn't sound right...lol.

I love u. And I think I kno that a little more everyday. I can't wait to go to atlanta so we can b free 2 b we...

I'm secretly sorry for messing up ur hair because it was beautiful...u r beautiful...u look at me and I melt. I bet it shows that I melt...lol. But I try not to show it sometimes.

I want u to climb on top of me and cheat. Lol. The end.

-itis.

....drinking myself into oblivion...

So I'm sittin in my house determined 2 see the the bottom of this 1.75l bottle of vodka. Trying not to drunk text anyone. I'm pissed and sad and everything else. I hate talking about feeling violated sexually. That shit sux and talking about it sux monkey balls. I wish I was happy again...or if not happy, atleast psuedo happy. *side note...its great that I can spell even when tipsy...*

I will try to write more if my motor skills are up to par...but I doubt it seeing as though I'm determined to FINISH...said bottle.

I love u. That never changed. And it won't. Talking 2 my bh who's trying to make it better.....hope ur thinking about me...

P.s....u aint write me heifer!....

-me

2day will b a good day.

So I'm sitting outside my workjob on my 10. I've been trying to read ur words since I woke up at 1039. I had 2 b at work at 11, but that's not the point. The district mgr is here 2day so I have 2 b on my p's and q's and shit. I wanna talk 2 u via aim my stormyperfection, but my fuckin aim keeps fuckin up. I watched the storm and saw u last night. Ur power, ur beauty, ur pain, ur love, ur vibrance, ur presence, ur ability to make me soaking wet....lol. *u know I had 2 throw that in there*

I get off at 445. I wish I could see u sometime 2day. I'm taking the shuttle to jhop after work 2 try and get n the studio or in the sds room.

.....*side note...eeewww I drank a red bull 2 the head as the first thing I put in my body and I just might throw it up....shit....that's not what's hot in the streets*.....
Write me please. I'll b waiting to read u.

-me...

...u r my babyboo...stop with this ?uestion mark. Lol. Muah. Hope ur day is goin well.

I love u.
Dame besos.

143.

So I'm sure u thought tha I was going to forget about writing u and I didn't so, ha. Today really reminded me of what I've been missing....what I feel is right...what I need....all of that. And there's truth in every touch, warmth in every embrace, and a sweet calmness that I have with u even when I feel like I'm going to implode if u look at me one more time.

...I ate again 2day...yay. I know ur excited about that. I hope u thought about me...lol...u say I'm ur every thought...hope that still rings true. I read what I wrote for u and decided to write a lot more...becuz u inspire me...and u say I inspire u...

I love u.
I need u.
I'm glad that ur in love with me.
And I cherish and appreciate u.

Dame besos...I kno that's ur line but...who cares?

-me

...my first...

She taught me sometimes to write on my taught canvas
And that some rhymes weren't meant to be seen
She told me to feel what I felt and to care about me for once
Realize I only live for one
And my happiness counts for something.
I wrote her happiness from sadness and then joined the two unintentionally
Woven together
Then she asked for the silver lining.
Tried all I could 2 stop from crying
As she glanced at me
Mentally held hands with me
She danced with me
Through the problems that arose
And God only knows that she's still the definition she texted me a while ago.
And I'm grateful
Very full
Of memories, hints, smells and remnants of smiles...
And here lies a new beginning....
More scribblings on this taught canvas.