letter to this yellow notepad.

I really have no idea what to do. No idea whatsoever. This dream didn't make it any better either. Why would I think that she's so easy to target? Why would I think that she can't keep it in her pants? Why do I think that she's so quick to fall into the hands of a man that she doesn't even know? Why must I resort to violence? Why did I seem like such an angry person in my dream?

Yesterday was no better. On top of this degrading feeling of, " go find something to do while I nurture this toxic relationship...you're not welcome here..." contributing to this bed of lies that I lay on every night. This "whatever" approach may have gotten me this far but it really hurts. It feels like you choose him over me every time. Even though he's done nothing but make you not be able to trust him, disappointed you, hurt you time after time...and all I've done is tried to make it better. I feel like I'm competing with the ex that just won't go away....and you won't let him because he's your father. I don't know if this is loyalty or a twisted attachment to the man most like yourself. 

I understand that when you do tell them that you are getting married that they won't recognize it and that hurts the both of us; but living this misleading life, leaving out facts here and there, dealing with the fact that you told them you were with Millz' house instead of with me for an entire semester. A lie for comfort's sake?  This lie that's been going on for months is supposed to protect you or them? I don't even know anymore. It sure as hell isn't to protect me. I know I'm not a "secret" but that sure as hell makes someone feel like one. You say you are ready to get married in 4 months and 2 weeks and you haven't even told the people that are SO important to you  that you continue keep up this facade. It's discouraging to say the least. I know that the plan was to do so when you were ready, but I doubt that you will ever be ready to have that conversation.

I don't want to push you away hoping that when you get back you'll have it all taken care of...seperation for reconciliation? Something about that just doesn't seem right.

forever.

It's been a long time since I expressed myself in the way I know I should. You are my everything. I live my life for you. I am so excited to be your wife. I can't wait to make you the happiest you've ever been for the rest of our lives. Through good times and bad it's always very clear to me and to the whole world that we've waited our whole lives to be together. I need you by my side. You complete me. I love you. I can't to show the world the commitment I made to you in the exact spot that I fell hopelessly in love with you. 

|-ur wife-ur forever-ur love.|

re: yim

Whats done is done. no i dont have anyone on my friendslist that i purposely dont talk to because thats stupid. its not like you purposely talk to him. you did speak via IM and facebook. for the piece of shit that he is, and the shit he has put u through, and the stalking u claim made u uncomfortable you communicating with him for any circumstance makes no sense to me. and if you knew ur communicating with him was a soft spot why keep communicating? whether its menial conversation or not. you shouldve seen that that wouldve created a problem, whether ur over him and u think he is finally over you.

if you feel like you dont have any privacy i will give it to you...more than you have now...just dont be sloppy with your shit and expect it to be an easy road. there are a few ppl that i have wanted to delete, people i dont feel deserve your attention; but i havent done anything about that because thats your decision. i will just be upset or "deal" or shut u and that conversation out when it happens. like i have been doing. i will preoccupy myself another way...im sure someone will want to speak to me...and not be a fallacy. maybe i shouldnt care if they are...thats if i know i dont have feelings for them.

yim.

Based on our text conversation last night/this morning...and a "camel's back breaking straw" IM, I deleted 60. I don't know if I'm remorseful. No, probably not. You said if I felt like someone was stepping on my toes then handle it...and you're not talking to him again. I don't think that it would have been a good idea for me to talk to him and say "I won't stand for you talking to my wife." The conversation wouldn't have went well, and I really wasn't up for the ridiculousness. Maybe I should've consulted you before exercising my right to handle things on my own, but a part of me really doesn't care.  I feel like I have to take a handle on my personal happiness, and if you're doing everything to make things gel between us then you will respect my decisions and know that it's for the good of our relationship. I'm not a jealous person, I'm not a possessive person...you know that. I will do what I think is necessary.

whatever.

you asked for this wall between us. i tried to prevent this. lack of explanation leads to justifiable speculation. i just don't care now. do what you want. its your life. you obviously have no regard for my feelings...whether you've noticed it or not. i'm not going to sit down and explain everything to you when I've brought it up more than once. i don't want to hear, "you know i don't pick up on things..." frankly thats not my responsibility. do what you need to do to make it right or take another step back.

...ugh. again disappointed and disillusioned.

 

fuck it all.

in response...

i read ur post and didnt know what to do about it. thats why i let it sit there...i felt ur sentiment though. i feel like im getting better with everything. these things do take time. idk if i have given you enough of an update as the time has gone by...idk if i shouldve. this is a very different situation for me. i can only tell u the things that i know...i know i love you...i know that we can and will move past this...i know my love for you will never change...i know that we are even stronger than i thought and although it hurts it makes me proud to know that we can withstand such a blow. i looked at you earlier and i knew that we would be fine. i believe im healing. the last bump we had about the actual anniversary is still significant but i have to leave the past there and pray that my skill of discerning character is still up to par. i know that you love me and have been waiting for me as long as i have been waiting for you. i believe this is called the process of forgiveness.

ily.
-ur wife

damnit

i feel robbed again...and i didnt think it would happen. i really didnt. im trying to believe that you know when you stopped being trifling and started matching your actions with your words, but parts of me cannot be 100% sure. little things like anniversaries are milestones that i cherish and as far as i was concerned i was committed to someone who only wanted me. i cant consider us being together when you had someone else preoccupying your time. shit like this makes me upset. im trying right now not to get heated but it is really hard. maybe one day i will feel like less of a fool. dont worry, im not going to cry or anything. but i am angry....this brings back the sting of the pain i have already felt. r u sure it was vanity weekend? i thought i knew u were there for me and only me at the time of my performance at red square but i was your ex then...idk. it bothers me that i dont have a specific marker. this is bullshit. im done.

i dont know...

if ive just been stupid. it felt really good to splurge at the mall. why didnt i think about the rent until we were leaving? i have great clothes and lived off that high for a second, but all of that was shot when i realized that the rent wasnt paid, the rings arent nearly paid for, i still have to worry about those tickets and i dont know if i could bring myself to ask you to do anything for me. im a very prideful person. im on my way to making everything better for the both of us. but i need your help.

i guess im still at a loss...

"no matter what the people say..."

I can't let go....

You asked me to write you. I've been writing you as much as I can verbally. I have been telling you how I feel...felt...whatever. Even though it's been really hard for me to open up about it all. As you already know, I've been hurt....shaken to the core. I tried to be strong...to be tough...it didnt work. I never knew that it could hurt this much. I really didnt. But I guess it was my turn to feel what others have felt at my expense. 

Stacee has always been a soft spot in our relationship...and now I have a greater understanding of why I didnt trust her or your relationship. Although this confirms feelings that I've had for a while, it's never easy to look those feelings in the face. Right now I'm trying to heal from the initial pain, hurt, anger, frustration, feelings of being mislead, disillusionment and confusion. I know that you are hurting. I can feel your pain as you say you can feel mine. Parts of me want you to hurt more for hurting me, but I cant be that selfish. Two wrings never make it right and there's no point in trying to get even. 

It took a long time for me to swallow my feelings enough to be able to look at you much less try to think of a way to cure us of this broken state. At a time I didnt know if I wanted to fix what was/is broken. After much consideration of the consequences of each decision and the promises that I've made to you and myself I decided to grow up and do what needs to be done to save us. I love you to much to let you go. I won't let someone stand in the way of what I've waited my life to find. Jamz told me something very important; and after she did, I couldn't forget what she said. "Pooh loves you Kai, with everything she has. I know that she does. It took me a while to get used to you guys' relationship but I know that you are the one for her. She's been waiting for you since she met her first boyfriend." I believe what she said. I can't give up on you. You've been waiting too long, and so have I.

"God made no mistakes when He sheltered me with your heart. There's no safer place, than to be in love...and hear I will stand." -Anthony Hamilton

...this is a secret...this is secret writing...im still scared of....getting hurt. attempting to hurt you. that sex will feel forced. that we won't ever be the same. that your efforts won't impress me. that i'll continue to be angry. that i can't forgive you. that this hurt feeling won't go away. that you won't be able to fix it. that the past will fuck up my future. that i'm trying to get back at you for making me feel this way. that i can be cruel. idk what else to be scared of...or what else i'm scared of...that's all the comes to mind right now.

This morning was the worst for me. It really was. I felt like it was selfish...even though you said that it was your intention for me to join in, I still felt replaced. Like, if I didnt give it to you, you were gonna find it elsewhere. It wasn't the greatest thing to wake up to. It seemed like you couldn't keep it together. I wanted to have sex too. You could tell that. I felt like it would be better not to because of the reasons I stated two days ago. I dont want it to be wrong, to feel wrong or anything. I dont want to hurt you. At this point I dont know if I would. It wouldnt be intentional, but I'm not sure. I don't feel emotionally stable enough to have sex. Knowing how you've felt about sex and the problems you've had, I would NEVER put you in a situation in which I felt that there was a possibility of you getting hurt. I also feel like that would sever another tie between us, and I don't think that we could survive another break in our foundation.

I'm really trying to move forward, still working through the problems and feelings, but moving towards a closer connection. I almost broke down a few times when we were speaking in the car earlier. I realized how emotionally unstable I am even still. If we take small steps towards the same goal I think we will be fine. The wounds are still very fresh, but you are my everything. I've accepted you and your flaws months ago...almost a year ago for a lifetime. I'm not stopping now. 

"I'm gonna love you anyway, you are my life. I cant let go."

iloveyoualways.

-forever. urs

-ur babyboo

-itis

-me

-&  a day.

-kai

-ur wife.

red

thats all i see. fuck it all...goodbye.

comfortable communication

i think we got really comfortable because we didnt have to becautous about our communication. we forgot how much the writing helped. but we learned with time that this writing is very important. im serious about writing everyday, multiple times a day.

now that we have decided to do this i feel better. i feel a lot better. i pinky promise to be a better wife to you. im on the come up. thank you for being so supportive. i really appreciate you and everything youve done for me. eventhough ive been a poopiehead sometimes you have given me the consistency that ive needed without being asked. i love you.

i thought about the wedding a little while ago and i wasnt as upset as i was the other day. i am in love with the date that we set, but im more in love with you for it to break me or my spirit. i trust that we will figure it out and make the best decision for us. and if that means we dont get married on the date we set, then we will do something thats memorable to us on that day. we can always make it special.

-urs

resurgence

so...its been a long time since we consistently wrote back and forth on blogspot. i think we should bring it back. it was our own special thing. it made us unique. it was our way to bring our deepest feelings and thoughts to light. i know we have had some issues with expressing ourselves. i think that we had a chance to air our thoughts before they had a chance to become issues. we were communicating in length all the time. lets bring it back. what do u think?

"stuck"

I don't know what's happening to us....we've given up we for me&mine and ours for you&yours. If we can't get past this, how are we supposed to get married? I'm really at a loss for words. We're seperating. I can feel the tear. I'm becoming cold. I'm done.