You asked me to write you. I've been writing you as much as I can verbally. I have been telling you how I feel...felt...whatever. Even though it's been really hard for me to open up about it all. As you already know, I've been hurt....shaken to the core. I tried to be strong...to be tough...it didnt work. I never knew that it could hurt this much. I really didnt. But I guess it was my turn to feel what others have felt at my expense.
Stacee has always been a soft spot in our relationship...and now I have a greater understanding of why I didnt trust her or your relationship. Although this confirms feelings that I've had for a while, it's never easy to look those feelings in the face. Right now I'm trying to heal from the initial pain, hurt, anger, frustration, feelings of being mislead, disillusionment and confusion. I know that you are hurting. I can feel your pain as you say you can feel mine. Parts of me want you to hurt more for hurting me, but I cant be that selfish. Two wrings never make it right and there's no point in trying to get even.
It took a long time for me to swallow my feelings enough to be able to look at you much less try to think of a way to cure us of this broken state. At a time I didnt know if I wanted to fix what was/is broken. After much consideration of the consequences of each decision and the promises that I've made to you and myself I decided to grow up and do what needs to be done to save us. I love you to much to let you go. I won't let someone stand in the way of what I've waited my life to find. Jamz told me something very important; and after she did, I couldn't forget what she said. "Pooh loves you Kai, with everything she has. I know that she does. It took me a while to get used to you guys' relationship but I know that you are the one for her. She's been waiting for you since she met her first boyfriend." I believe what she said. I can't give up on you. You've been waiting too long, and so have I.
"God made no mistakes when He sheltered me with your heart. There's no safer place, than to be in love...and hear I will stand." -Anthony Hamilton
...this is a secret...this is secret writing...im still scared of....getting hurt. attempting to hurt you. that sex will feel forced. that we won't ever be the same. that your efforts won't impress me. that i'll continue to be angry. that i can't forgive you. that this hurt feeling won't go away. that you won't be able to fix it. that the past will fuck up my future. that i'm trying to get back at you for making me feel this way. that i can be cruel. idk what else to be scared of...or what else i'm scared of...that's all the comes to mind right now.
This morning was the worst for me. It really was. I felt like it was selfish...even though you said that it was your intention for me to join in, I still felt replaced. Like, if I didnt give it to you, you were gonna find it elsewhere. It wasn't the greatest thing to wake up to. It seemed like you couldn't keep it together. I wanted to have sex too. You could tell that. I felt like it would be better not to because of the reasons I stated two days ago. I dont want it to be wrong, to feel wrong or anything. I dont want to hurt you. At this point I dont know if I would. It wouldnt be intentional, but I'm not sure. I don't feel emotionally stable enough to have sex. Knowing how you've felt about sex and the problems you've had, I would NEVER put you in a situation in which I felt that there was a possibility of you getting hurt. I also feel like that would sever another tie between us, and I don't think that we could survive another break in our foundation.
I'm really trying to move forward, still working through the problems and feelings, but moving towards a closer connection. I almost broke down a few times when we were speaking in the car earlier. I realized how emotionally unstable I am even still. If we take small steps towards the same goal I think we will be fine. The wounds are still very fresh, but you are my everything. I've accepted you and your flaws months ago...almost a year ago for a lifetime. I'm not stopping now.
"I'm gonna love you anyway, you are my life. I cant let go."
iloveyoualways.
-forever. urs
-ur babyboo
-itis
-me
-& a day.
-kai
-ur wife.
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