letter to this yellow notepad.

I really have no idea what to do. No idea whatsoever. This dream didn't make it any better either. Why would I think that she's so easy to target? Why would I think that she can't keep it in her pants? Why do I think that she's so quick to fall into the hands of a man that she doesn't even know? Why must I resort to violence? Why did I seem like such an angry person in my dream?

Yesterday was no better. On top of this degrading feeling of, " go find something to do while I nurture this toxic relationship...you're not welcome here..." contributing to this bed of lies that I lay on every night. This "whatever" approach may have gotten me this far but it really hurts. It feels like you choose him over me every time. Even though he's done nothing but make you not be able to trust him, disappointed you, hurt you time after time...and all I've done is tried to make it better. I feel like I'm competing with the ex that just won't go away....and you won't let him because he's your father. I don't know if this is loyalty or a twisted attachment to the man most like yourself. 

I understand that when you do tell them that you are getting married that they won't recognize it and that hurts the both of us; but living this misleading life, leaving out facts here and there, dealing with the fact that you told them you were with Millz' house instead of with me for an entire semester. A lie for comfort's sake?  This lie that's been going on for months is supposed to protect you or them? I don't even know anymore. It sure as hell isn't to protect me. I know I'm not a "secret" but that sure as hell makes someone feel like one. You say you are ready to get married in 4 months and 2 weeks and you haven't even told the people that are SO important to you  that you continue keep up this facade. It's discouraging to say the least. I know that the plan was to do so when you were ready, but I doubt that you will ever be ready to have that conversation.

I don't want to push you away hoping that when you get back you'll have it all taken care of...seperation for reconciliation? Something about that just doesn't seem right.