another late night.

but definitely not the fun kind. ugh. another basically sleepless night on hopkins. yay for an education. well at least you're almost done. almost is still a long way to go though, considering how long this semester was.

i wrote to you/my journal/note on my phone last night. it was weird that we weren't talking but idk, not speaking said a lot to me...and a part of me felt like it would be much better if i just left the subject/situation alone for the evening. it was rough for me too, but the end result was better than expected for me at least. I've debated with myself on whether or not you need to see what i wrote, to get a feel for what i was thinking and how i was feeling last night...but idk, maybe we should just let that die.

the whole thing with stacee is as simple as i made it in the car. i don't want to see her, hear about her, think about her, anything...and i've been good on that since i closed her chapter and let you handle her fallaciousness. at that point in time you and her weren't speaking because she threw a little temper tantrum or whatever and wasn't surprised but that marked the end of the stacee saga. then, i'd see her yims pop up and i'd try to ignore it but it still irritated me...not as much as it did before but enough for m have to vow to not get angry over 3rd party bullshit. i refuse to let something that's fake/faux get in the way of what we have. that does not mean that it doesnt make me uncomfortable, cautious, skeptical, irritated, aggravated and a little bit of everything else when I see it...I just have to deal because whatever communication you have with her is important enough to you.

and now for the not so fun part...

i think i have a problem. i don't feel like i measure up. i feel like i have to compare myself to people to see where i stand. i dont kno whehter or not that's a deficiency on my part or whatever, but i need to know why its so important to me to "measure up." I need to feel like i'm bringing enough to the table, like im satisfying your needs. Maybe I need reassurance that I'm the one that's doing "it" for you because no one else could. I know that emotionally I'll love you harder and stronger than anyone ever could, but I sometimes find it hard to convince myself that physically you've never been mroe satisfied. I know that the combination is very special, but for some reason the only thing that is on repeat in my head is that "santana had the best head. like, thee best head. like, he'd call me just to say that he wanted to give me head and i would be there in 10 minutes." What that translates to me is "how do I measure up? Is it that phenomenal when I put it down? how did this man please her so well that she still speaks of him with such emotion? What did he do? What could he do that I can't? Do I have that effect on her? What am I not doing?" etc. I don't believe I've gotten an answer to any of those questions and the reason is probably because I'm to ashamed/embarassed/afraid to ask. I don't want to think about him when I'm having sex with you. It makes me feel bad. I couldn't live with it anymore. I had to tell you although I doubted that you would take it well. I haven't taken it well either.

oh well.
ugh.